


Love The Way You Hate Me

by ChanDoormat



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Abusive Relationships, Angst, Bottom Hwang Hyunjin, Hwang Hyunjin Being an Asshole, M/M, Other, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, bxb - Freeform, toxic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-08
Updated: 2020-04-08
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:00:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 8,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23543515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChanDoormat/pseuds/ChanDoormat
Summary: "𝕀 𝕜𝕟𝕠𝕨 𝕚𝕥'𝕤 𝕨𝕣𝕠𝕟𝕘, 𝕓𝕦𝕥 𝕀 𝕔𝕒𝕟'𝕥 𝕙𝕖𝕝𝕡 𝕓𝕦𝕥 𝕝𝕠𝕧𝕖 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕨𝕒𝕪 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕙𝕒𝕥𝕖 𝕞𝕖"
Relationships: Hwang Hyunjin/Kim Seungmin, Hwang Hyunjin/You, Lee Felix/Seo Changbin
Kudos: 3





	1. Chapter 1

-Y/N POV- 

"Don't ever think you can amount to what he was!" Another smack landed on my face. I had made the mistake of mentioning his ex. The one I was supposed to replace. I suppose he'll never be over him, but that's okay. 

Hwang Hyunjin, the man I love so much, the man that is currently yelling at me. I never thought he had a side like this. It scares me. Outside of the walls of our shared apartment, we're picture perfect, everything you'd want to be. And on the inside, it's hell. 

I know this is horrible for me. He's not over the past, he's stuck on someone that I can never be. I can only pray that he treated him better. 

Kim Seungmin. 

Freshman at our high school, Hwang Hyunijn's ex. They were everything I could ever imagine a perfect relationship to be. It hurt, Hyunjin belonged to someone else. But I was happy as long as he was. You see, Hyunjin and I go way back. Like, we've always been best friends. And my heart has always belonged to him. 

Back in middle school, I had tried to date girls in our grade but realized all too soon that Hyunjin is the only one I'll ever want. Yet, no matter how hard I tried to catch his attention, no matter how much hope I had after he had told me he was gay, the only one he wanted was Seungmin, Seungmin, Seungmin. I can't say I hate Seungmin, cause hell, I idolize the guy. He's everything I've always wanted to be. Smart, attractive, talented, Hyunjin's. 

That was, until last year. Rumors started spreading that he was drunk when it happened. Another drunk driving incident. Rumors said his dad hated him, and that's why they pulled the plug. Rumors said Seungmin wasn't all that perfect after all. 

Of course, I was there for Hyunjin. His perfect boyfriend was being made fun of for dying. Nobody but me was there for him, I let him rant to me. I let him reminisce on Seungmin all hours of the day, I skipped classes to go take care of him when he was feeling low. Up until the day he asked me the weirdest question. 

I shiver at the memory, even now as he stands above me, breath reeking of soju and body smelling of a cologne I don't recognize. 

"Y/N, you're too nice" He spoke between sobs. "I want you to go out with me, Y/N. Please. Make me forget him. Please."

Of course, who was I to say no? 

We went on dates and everything seemed perfect, he seemed happy, I felt good, we were one of the cutest couples at our school. 

Until things started going downhill. It just started with him drinking from time to time and yelling at me. He'd compare me to Seungmin more and more each time he fell under the influence. 

"You're not as skinny as Seungmin was." I skipped my meals from then on. 

"You're so stupid! Seungmin would never have gotten a C!" I studied instead of sleeping. 

"You're a lot tanner than Seungmin was." I stopped spending my time outdoors. 

"You're a lot worse at cooking than Seungmin was, it's like you puked in a tray and baked it. Tch, Seungmin would never serve me something as gross as this." I started to practice cooking instead of enjoying my free time. 

"Seungmin never spent as much time away from me as you do! You're not even trying to love me right, are you?" I moved into his apartment and ditched my friends for him. 

I did everything I could to please him, but it was never enough. It got to the point where he started hitting me if I messed up. And as much as I want to make myself leave, to convince myself that this isn't right and I shouldn't stay with him, I can't. I love him. I love him so much it hurts. And I know it's selfish, and it's not something Seungmin would do, but I'll make myself love this side of him too if it means he might accept me a little bit more. 

And here I sit, listening to constant repetitions of "Seungmin wouldn't...." and "Seungmin did..." and I just want for it to stop. I love him so much, why can't he love me? 

"I'm so-sorry. I-I'll try har-harder." I whispered through my sobs. 

"Don't get why you bother anymore. Might as well just become Seungmin and die. It'd do me a real favor. Wouldn't have to deal with your bitch ass." He landed one more kick to my stomach and left the room. I stayed curled up into a ball and forced a sad smile onto my face. 

"I love you, so much."


	2. Chapter 2

-Y/N POV-

Every day seems to be the exact same these days. Go to school, walk on eggshells with my friends, go home, get beat, walk on eggshells with Hyunjin, practice cooking on eggshells, and study all night before showering and leaving for school. Occasionally I'll swap out a shower for sleep, but then Hyunjin lectures me about how Seungmin would never act that gross. 

My friends asked to go out with them today for lunch, and as much as I wish I could, I have to make Hyunjin food. I've been practicing my cooking forever and it'd be a shame not to put that practice to good use, right?

"Lee Y/N! Why don't you ever hang out with us anymore?!" I looked up at a very angry Felix, he was one of my good friends. I would love to hang out with him more if I didn't occupy myself with Hyunjin. It's for the better, though. I love Hyunjin, and I have to provide for him. I can't get a job yet, and he's constantly stressed with his, so the best I could do is be there to cook and clean for him. 

"I'm sorry, I just-" I tried to explain my reasoning for not going, though I don't know why they'd listen in the first place. I've been ditching them for weeks. 

"Lemme guess, 'something came up' " He said in a mocking tone. "If you don't wanna be friends with us anymore, then just outright say it. We're sick of having a shitty friend like you. We get it, Seungmin's dead and yada yada, but at least Hyunjin shows up! Stop riding on the excuse that something keeps popping up and just say that you don't wanna hang out with us anymore!" Felix yelled at me and all I could do was sit there and stare at my desk with shame. Of course, I wanted to hang out with them. Even if I wasn't hung up cleaning the apartment and cooking Hyunjin's dinner, I just can't. Hyunjin goes with them, and as I said, Hyunjin acts like we're picture perfect in public. As much as I love it, I end up missing it too much.

Not that I hate Hyunjin at home, it's just I don't want to fall in love with something fake. I fell in love with Hwang Hyunjin and I always will be in love with him. I love him most when he's being genuine, and if that means he's taking his frustration out on me, then I am more than happy to say that I love that too. I love everything about Hyunjin. He's so beautiful in every way, and he's so brave hiding his insecurities and anger in public. I wish I could be like that. Wish I could be like Seungmin. Seungmin was never afraid to speak up for himself, I bet. 

I watched as Felix walked out of the now empty classroom to go hang out with the others. I felt fat tears roll down my face, and yet I smiled. I knew that this was for Hyunjin. Seungmin was selfless, right? I'm one step closer. I let out a small giggle as I sniffled and wiped my ears. 

"Give it up, Y/N, Seungmin wouldn't cry like this, would he? No. Hyunjin won't love you if he sees you like this, would he? No. So just stop." I whispered to myself as I gathered my papers together and walked out of my classroom. At the door, I bumped into the man himself, Hyunjin. 

"S-Sorry, Hyunjin, I didn't mean to bump into you." I gently smiled at him and he just stared at me with wide eyes. He probably sees how pathetic you are through that ugly smile of yours, you twat. Seungmin would never cry like that, such a crybaby. You don't deserve Hyunjin. 

I shook away my dangerous thoughts and continued down the hallway and out of the school, headed to our apartment. Upon arriving, I walked to me and Hyunjin's shared bedroom. It's been weeks since we slept in that bed together. I remember when we were alright. I remember when he used to snuggle up to me. He'd push his back into my chest and have me wrap his arms around his waist. And the more I think about it, that was faked too. I'm happy Hyunjin trusts me enough to act how he feels around me. I know I can't be Seungmin, I don't deserve what I have. 

I set my things down on the desk beside our, or should I say his bed and began to pick up the dirty clothes on the floor. I gently smiled once more as I brought his shirt up to my face and inhaled his scent. I love that scent so much. I hummed along to the tune of a song Hyunjin sang once and continued to pick up clothes. I finished up doing the laundry and folding and putting away the clothes. I made my way to the kitchen, giddy and happy. I put on an apron and made sure to cook as carefully and cleanly as possible. I wanted to make Hyunjin happy. 

After finishing the meal, I set out a plate on the table. I cleaned up anything I had made a mess of and put some of the Japchae I made in a bowl for him and ddukbokki on a small plate beside it. Glaring at the time, I laughed a bit and went to grab my stuff for my homework. That was, until I heard the door open. 

"You're home early, what's got you here so soon?" I poked my head out of the door with my bag over my shoulder. He didn't reply, instead, he slung himself down at the dinner table, staring at his food with his arms crossed. I made my way over to the table. "Hyunjin, you should eat, it's not healthy to skip meals like this-"

"And that's why you do it?" He snapped, cutting me off and leaving me speechless. 

"I don't, Hyunjin." I nervously denied his accusation. Though he wasn't wrong, I didn't want him to see my weak points. I need to be there for Hyunjin. He is the only thing I wake up for, I love him. He'll leave me if he finds out how weak I actually am. 

"Cut the shit. Stop going to school." Hyunjin snapped once more. I stood there, shocked at his demand. 

"Wh-What? Hyunjin I-" I was cut off again by his raising his arm and slapping me from where he sat.

"Can't you just do what you're told the first time?! God, you're so annoying. You'll never be like Seungmin in any way, will you? I took you in so you could replace him and take the pain away. Stop acting like you can be him and just cut the fucking shit. STOP GOING TO SCHOOL. You're starting to interfere with how the guys see me and I'm sick and tired of it. I'm going out to eat, I don't feel like eating your shitty cooking. Don't miss me. And stop putting your stuff in my room, it's a fucking eyesore." Hyunjin flipped his plate on the table, elbowing his way past me and out of the house. 

"I know you have all of these flaws, but in my eyes, you'll be the most perfect and beautiful person I've ever known."


	3. Chapter 3

-Hyunjin POV- 

I loved Seungmin. I'm sad he's gone. I love Y/N, I just have no fucking idea how to show it. 

I know what I'm doing is fucked up, and it's hurting him, I just don't know how to fix this without hurting myself. Yeah, I'd deserve it. But I can't get hurt again, if I do, I don't know how low I'll go. 

When Seungmin passed away, rumors started spreading about him being a disgusting delinquent. I couldn't believe it. People fucking suck, but then there was Y/N. Y/N was there for me. He was by my side as much as possible after Seungmin's passing, he skipped classes, ditched family events, and cut people out of his life to make sure I was okay. 

Seungmin would've wanted me to move on, but if Seungmin saw me now. God, he'd be so disappointed. I've fallen for Y/N so badly. I'm just so fucking terrified of him leaving me too. 

A while ago, I started to drown myself in alcohol on a nightly basis. I would do it to drown the pain of losing Seungmin, to drown the fear of losing Y/N. Without even noticing it, I ended up starting to compare him to Seungmin. I tried so hard to keep my thoughts to myself, but with a doped up brain, I let nearly everything slip. 

He started skipping meals because of me. He's been ditching his friends to hang out with me. He wastes his free time practicing cooking because of me. That only served to anger me, was I angry at him or myself? I don't know. I don't even know when the hitting started, but oh boy, I wish it hadn't. I've been beating him like a punching bag and half the time I don't realize I've done it until I've sobered up the next morning. 

It's was earlier today that I walked to his classroom. I was gonna ask if he wanted to eat lunch with me, cause god I love him. God knows how much I regret letting myself stoop so low. I love him so much and I just have no idea how to show it. When I saw Felix walk out of his classroom, I was slightly confused but brushed it off. I walked into the classroom to hear him utter the horrifying sentence. 

"Give it up, Y/N, Seungmin wouldn't cry like this, would he? No. Hyunjin won't love you if he sees you like this, would he? No. So just stop."

I didn't know whether to be angry, sad, or terrified when I heard that sentence. He was obviously crying. He bumped into my shoulder and then had the general strength, audacity, and venom to smile at me and apologize. I was so shocked that I couldn't reply. I just started at him because god damn, what have I done? What has he let himself become?

I just pushed my back against the wall and slid down until I sat once I heard his footsteps get gradually quieter until they faded into nothing but a dull echo of a memory. I just sat there and reflected. This is all my fault. He thinks I don't love him, he's constantly comparing himself to Seungmin, and he's forcing himself to stay with me. Why? WHY DOES HE PUT UP WITH ME?! 

I punched the wall beside me before pushing myself up, growling at a group of girls who were staring, and bolting down the hallway with a set destination of home. 

I initially planned to beg for forgiveness. I was gonna bite the bullet, get down on my knee's in front of Y/N and beg for him to forgive me for all the hell I caused. However, the second my eyes scanned the apartment door, my mood turned sour. I was angry. Not at anything in particular, I was just angry at everything. I was mad at myself. At Y/N. At Seungmin. At Felix. At all the guys. At the teachers. At everything. Hell if I wasn't trying to compose myself so much I would've been mad at the fucking door. 

I grabbed my key and pushed it into the lock, throwing my plans out of the window. I just neede a hug. As soon as I opened the door, I saw his small frame poke out of our bedroom's door. Immediately after seeing his face, my anger at the world flared up again. This doesn't excuse any of my actions. Or anything I've ever said. I just, I want the best for him and me, but I'm not sure I can do done without harming the other. 

"You're home early, what's got you here so soon?" 

I ignored the question entirely. I made my way to the table of our kitchen and sat down, folding my arms and staring at my plate. What am I supposed to say?

"Hyunjin, you should eat, it's not healthy to skip meals like this-" I heard the question and scoffed. What a lie. 

"And that's why you do it?" I snapped. I couldn't control my words. I don't mean to hurt you. 

"I don't, Hyunjin." He denied my claim. I'm right and I know it, and I know it hurts him, but he has to know. 

"Cut the shit. Stop going to school." I shocked myself with this. I don't even know why I'd say these things. 

"Wh-What? Hyunjin I-" I couldn't take it anymore. The more he talks, the worse it hurts. I don't care what it takes. I just- I have to get out of here. 

"Can't you just do what you're told the first time?! God, you're so annoying. You'll never be like Seungmin in any way, will you? I took you in so you could replace him and take the pain away. Stop acting like you can be him and just cut the fucking shit. STOP GOING TO SCHOOL. You're starting to interfere with how the guys see me and I'm sick and tired of it. I'm going out to eat, I don't feel like eating your shitty cooking. Don't miss me. And stop putting your stuff in my room, it's a fucking eyesore." I flipped my plate and elbowed past him. I didn't fail to catch the broken expression on his face, and it broke me just as much. 

I slammed the door shut behind me, breathing heavy. I ran, I ran and I ran. I didn't know where I was going. I just ran. And now here I sit. In some random patch of grass by some random lake. 

I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket, and I pulled it out. The name of the sender of the message caught my eye. 

From; Y/N-ie<3 

Hyunjin, I'm sorry. I'll stop going to school, I'm sorry. Please don't get hurt. I love you. I'm sorry. Please stay warm. 

Now I'm outright angry. I let the frustration build up before I let it all out. I angrily threw my phone into the body of water in front of me. 

"WHY ARE YOU APOLOGIZING TO ME?! UGH! WHY DO YOU PUT UP WITH ME! WHY THE HELL ARE YOU SO GOOD TO ME!?" I fisted my hands into my hair and crumbled into a ball on the ground. "I don't deserve it." I sobbed openly into my hands. I know people are staring. I don't care. I don't know how the fuck I'm going to fix this. 

"I don't know why I keep hurting you, but I sure as hell wish I didn't."


	4. Chapter 4

-Y/N POV-

Hyunjin just stormed out of the house, obviously pissed. I don't know what I did to make him mad. I hope he stays warm. It'd kill me inside if he got hurt because of me.

I looked to the flipped plate on the table, hurrying to the kitchen to get paper towels to clean it up. After doing so, I carefully folded up the table cloth, carrying it to our laundry room and throwing it into the washer, setting it to quick-clean.

Slightly calmed after knowing that everything that's needed to be done is done, I finally sat down on our living room floor. I pulled my bag from the couch to my side and unzipped it, grabbing my homework and pencil.

I stared blankly at my paper, though my thoughts were far from what the ink displayed. My brain was filled with worries about Hyunjin. 

Is he staying warm? Is he okay? Who is he with? Is he eating well? Is he gonna come home? Where's he gonna sleep if he doesn't?

I couldn't concentrate properly on my work, so I decided to text Hyunjin. I know it's dumb and he doesn't wanna see or hear from me right now, but it'll tear me apart if I keep worrying like this.

To; Hyunjinnie ^_^

Hyunjin, I'm sorry. I'll stop going to school, I'm sorry. Please don't get hurt. I love you. I'm sorry. Please stay warm. 

And so I sat, staring at my phone and waiting for a reply. I waited and waited until a little 'read' set my heart into a flurry of butterflies.

I watched the little icon to show that he was typing appear and disappear multiple times before going away completely. I sat and stared for about ten minutes before I felt tears begin to build up in my eyes, a familiar stinging beginning to urge me to close them.

I smiled slightly, wiping the tears from my face and attempting to push my worries away hopelessly. However, the tears flooded into my eyelids until I couldn't hold them back anymore, flooding over and cascading down my face like a bittersweet waterfall. The pain dulled away to nothing compared to the pain rattling through my body. I felt my heart shatter more and more by the second until it was a suffocating growth, a sentient fog clawing at my lungs, ripping my breath out from the inside. 

I felt my lungs open and close rapidly, gasping for air and yet rejecting it at the same time. 

I clutched at my chest and pushed myself on to the couch below me. I sobbed and choked and gasped for air for what seemed like an eternity until I felt exhaustion pull at my eyes, pulling me into a dark yet peaceful dreamland.


	5. Chapter 5

-Y/N POV-

I woke up to a near heart stopping site this morning. When my eyes had pried themselves open, I had been greeted by the light shade of Hyunjin’s ceiling. Once I was awake and alert, I had registered the feeling of a figure wrapped around my waist. I tilted my head downwards to see Hyunjin, hugging onto me tightly and nuzzling into my chest.

To say I was shocked would be an understatement. For one, he had moved me from the couch that I normally slept on to the bed that we haven’t shared in weeks. Plus, he had been snuggling up to me like he would have back in the honeymoon phase of our relationship.

Reluctantly but excitedly, I moved myself, reaching down and cradling his head in my arms, gently stroking his hair. A soft whine escaped his mouth as he leaned further into my hand, slowly opening his eyes. He smiled at me and I felt my world stop, heart speeding up. It was the most gorgeous smile on earth. I hadn’t seen him smile in so long, and oh lord I’ve missed it so much. His beautiful pearly white teeth showing slightly, soft pink lips upturned into the most beautiful curve in existence. It made my chest ache, my heart clawing at my ribcage.

This was all so surreal that when he reached for my wrist and cupped one of the bruises, I was shocked at the sudden pain. It was a signal that I wasn’t dreaming. This was actually happening. I felt a pit of anxiety pool in my chest, leaking out with sickening thorn-covered vines and wrapping around my brain, filling my thoughts with dread and worry. And yet, Hyunjin just leaned upwards, pressing his soft lips to mine. The worry drained out as if being absorbed out of the blue, being quickly replaced by shock and delight. Butterflies hatched in my lungs and stomach, flying all about as if my body were their own personal field, leaving a pleasurable tingling everywhere.

It felt like I was drowning in pure Hyunjin, high on his lips and drunk on the taste. It was just an innocent kiss, maybe three seconds or so, but it felt like an eternity to me and I was on cloud nine. His lips were soft, but not too soft, cushiony, but not too cushiony. They were perfect, he was perfect.

It was so unreal. Hyunjin was sleeping in the same bed as me. He was kissing me. He didn’t smell like alcohol and other men. Wow. 

He parted our lips to speak and spoke in his gorgeously groggy morning voice. “Good morning, Y/N.” He smiled brightly again, and my world once again belonged to him, scratch that, my world was him. 

“M-Morning, Jinnie.” I smiled to myself, and for once it wasn’t forced. I was genuinely happy. Hyunjin was in my arms, where he belongs. It’s been so long since I’ve felt the warmth of another human being and god, I’ve missed it.

“Listen, Y/N. I know you probably hate me already, and I’ll never be able to fix what I’ve turned you into. But, I just want you to know. I’m so so sorry for the way I’ve treated you. God, I’ve been such a horrible boyfriend, just, please forgive me? I love you too much to let you go, Y/N, please.” And with that the dam broke. Of course I forgave him, he did nothing wrong! I felt fat salty tears make their way down my face, but they weren’t sad ones. I was so happy. It was almost too much. The Hyunjinnie I know is back. The man I fell for back in seventh grade is back. The man I’m dating is back. My caring Hyunjinnie.

“Hyunjinnie… I’m so glad!” I sobbed out. “I could never hate you.” I grabbed his face and gently kissed away the tears that had begun to fall from his eyes. “I love you more than I’ve ever loved anybody. I’m so happy. God, I’m so lucky to have you, Jinnie.” I began to pepper kisses all over his face until his sobs were replaced with honey-sweet giggles, playfully swatting at me.

I pushed him down so I was above him, wrapping my arms around his torso and staring up lovingly into his eyes as he stared back.

“God, this is a nice way to wake up.”


	6. Chapter 6

-Hyunjin POV-

I can't fucking believe it. I just back slapped Y/N. It took me getting to this point to realize that I've fallen back into my own habits.

I can't let him see me weak like this. I look into his hurt looking eyes and snarl as I push passed him. I pulled myself into my room and slammed the door behind me, sliding down the wood and resting my head in my hands.

I began to silently cry as I realized that I can't fix this. It was like this with Seungmin too. I'd get so careless and sleep with someone else and get mad at him for it. I'd yell at him until he cried and then I'd try and comfort him as best I could.

Tonight was different, though. Tonight ruined me. I had gotten careless again, throwing my inhibitions out the window and stopping by a nightclub instead of going to work like I have been for the past week. While there I somehow ended up getting drunk and fucking a girl. God I feel so disgusted. Her name was Jennie I think? Jessie? Something like that. Doesn't matter to me anyways. I had left her apartment and began to sober up. I smelt her perfume on my clothes and nearly gagged remembering what I'd done.

Walking into my apartment and hearing Y/N still use his caring words on me like that did something to my physce. I can't take this anymore. I don't know how to fix myself or how to keep these things from happening. I wish I could fucking control myself.

I hear Y/N sobbing outside of the room on the couch where he used to sleep. I feel nothing but guilt devour me from the inside out, pushing the contents of my stomach up so badly that I had to rush to the bathroom in our room to puke up all the food I'd eaten that day.

I pushed myself up after puking, flushing the toilet and stumbling my way into me and Y/N's room, collapsing on our bed.

I fought the urge to sleep until I couldn't anymore. No matter how much I want to get up and fix this right now, my body and mind are constantly against me. I feel the darkness take over and my muscles relax, sleep consuming me completely.

~Time skip~

I'm at work now. However, I can't focus on working. I stare at the cash register in front of me, contemplating last night.

I don't know what to do with myself or with Y/N. I just, I really don't. I love him so much but I keep hurting him like this and I can't help it. God I'm such an awful human being.

I come to a conclusion right as my shift ends and I hurry home to deliver the blow. I'm so sorry, Y/N but this is for the better.

I push open the door to our apartment and see him lying on his back, staring at the ceiling. I walk over to him and pull him up, concerned.

I caught a glimpse of his eyes and a rush of fear speeds down my spine like lightning when I see that there aren't any emotions in them. The shine from his eyes is gone, the light of his eyes is gone, the general feeling of his eyes is gone. He looks so broken. He won't even talk to me. He's just staring off into space as if he doesn't exist and that terrifies me more than anything.

"Y/N, please. We need to talk." I say cautiously and I see him move his head upwards to make eye contact with me.

"About what?" His voice is low and raspy. I only hear this voice when we're being intimate and normally it sends pleasurable chills down my spine. But now, it just scares me. When he uses that voice in the bedroom, it's full of love and admiration, spitting out dirty talk that could give any grandmother a heart attack. But now it's full of, well, nothing. It's emotionless, like he's not even putting in effort to talking.

I take a heavy inhale, preparing myself mentally for what I'm about to say to him, but before the words come our, I'm hit with a rush of nostalgia. Me and Y/N's first date, Y/N's smile, me and Y/N's first time. All the good times in our relationship were flashing before my eyes and I felt the familiar sting of tears welling up in them.

I see his eyes go wider and and he puts his hand on my shoulder, whispering to me.

"What's wrong, Hyunjinnie?" The voice is sweet, no where close to the voice he used seconds ago.

I choked out the sentence as fast and as clear as I could, overwhelmed by the pain my own words caused me.

"Let's break up."


	7. Chapter 7

-Y/N POV-

"Let's break up." The words hit me like a brick.

Immediately, I felt tears well up in my eyes as I fell to my knees in front of him.

The salty waterfall caused my sentences to be broken up and panicked. Fear flooded my mind and my body at the thought of losing Hyunjin. I can't loose him. I just can't, I'll die without him.

I folded my hands together tighly, burying my face into my forearms to hide how much of a mess I was.

"P-Please. Please no, I can't live without you Hyunjin, please!" My sobs were pathetic and I could feel his eyes burning holes into the back of my head.

"Y/N..... I'm sorry. I just, I can't do this anymore, we need to get out of each other's lives." My chest hurt, and I felt pain wash over me as soon as he said that. Please no.

"No! Please, Hyunjin, I need you. Please, I can't live without you. I love you so much. Please, I'm sorry for whatever I did. I don't know what I did, but I'm sorry. I'll be better. I promise. I don't know what to do with myself without you, please!" Hyunjin pats my back once before turning away and walking to the door. The voices in my head were screaming at me that it was my fault. Pointing out every single one of my flaws. They were shouting that he didn't love me. He never did. I can't loose him. I have no worth without him. There's no me without him.

"I'm sorry, Y/N, it's for the best." He opens the door and steps out and in a moment of adrenaline, I push myself to my feet and run to him, wrapping my arms around his shoulders.

I sob to him, begging him to stay as he stays silent. I hate it.

"Please, Hyunjin! You're all I have!" He pushes me off of him gently, setting me on the floor by the apartment door.

"I'm sorry, Y/N. Goodbye. I'll be back in a few days, please have your things moved out by then."

And with that he closed the door. My sobs rang throughout the empty apartment, screaming at nothing. I wandered around, everything reminded me of Hyunjin. My precious Hyunjin. The voices are screaming at me to find anything sharp and cut away every part Hyunjin didn't like.

"You don't deserve him! You're nothing but a fat, ugly mistake! A waste of oxygen! You should just make Hyunjin happy for once and kill yourself! You don't matter anyways."

I tore through the bathroom, grabbing the razor heads and slashing them mindlessly up and down my wrists, wishing I had the confidence to just do it. I watched blood pour down my arm, but I felt nothing. I bit at the flesh, ripping my skin up and off, but I felt nothing. I dug my nails into the fresh wounds, washing as the blood gushed, and yet I felt nothing.

I felt my vision go blurry and my balance go wonky. I fell and hit my head as I stared up at the ceiling and felt blood drip down my face, I felt nothing. My vision faded into black and I found myself slipping into unconsiousness, mind filled with only two things.

"Why can't I feel anything except for missing you?"


	8. Chapter 8

-Y/N POV-

It's been days and I'm still here. Then again, where am I supposed to go? I don't have any friends. At least, not anymore I don't. I miss Hyunjin. I miss him so fucking much. The voices in my head are screaming at me that he's hated me all along, that he never actually loved me and that I was some toy to play around with so he could forget about Seungmin. 

I just wish I could feel again. My arms are covered in dried blood and my face is dirty with tear stains, and yet I feel nothing. He said he'd be back, but where is he? I don't know that, but I do know one thing. Hwang Hyunjin broke me. He broke me in so many ways. And yet, I want nothing more than for him to come back and put me back together. He broke my heart, my mind, my body, every part he could reach, he broke. But I want him here. He broke me down so bad that I have nothing left but him. My only purpose was to be good for him and I couldn't even do that. 

It's not his fault he broke me, it's mine. And no matter how hard I can try and tell myself that that sounds dumb, it's true. I couldn't be what he needed and because of that I am where I am. I'm sitting on this bathroom floor covered in filth because of my lack of ability to be what the person I adored the most needed. 

God, I'd give anything to have him back in my arms. To go back to the beginning of us when he'd force me to big spoon him with the most adorable cotton-candy giggles ever. It hurts to think about times like that, now. Times when we'd stay in and cook together, binge watch shows together. It all hurts. Everything reminds me of him. The bathtub that we used to bathe together, and sometimes more, in. The toilet he once accidentally flushed his earring down and called me in the middle of class panicked about. His shampoo bottle, which I had thrown at the wall, popped open and leaking. The scent of the shampoo made its way into the air, twisting and merging with the scent of my own blood, creating a sickening melancholy fume of him and I. 

I managed to push myself up on my palm, inhaling more of the sickening scent as I tried to calm my overactive mind.

As soon as I was able to blink and shake off the lightheadedness that came from sitting up after having spent days barely moving. I managed to grip onto the sink and pull myself into a standing position, leaning onto the sink for support as my bones ached from the sudden movement. My eyes caught glimpse of a small orange bottle, tightly wrapped with a small white label. 

I didn't bother to read it as I quickly grabbed the bottle and emptied the contents into my clammy hand. I admired the capsules and counted out a dozen. Blue and white, shimmering like Hyunjin's eyes had on our first date. I smiled thinking of them. The large brown orbs of pure happiness that I loved to gaze into. The way his pupils would grow whenever we made eye contact. I heard his giggle in the back of my mind. A bittersweet sound that echoed through the chamber of my skull and filled my chest with indescribable happiness and warmth, and then pain and envy. I loved him, and I envied all the people that he had ever given the same gaze he gave me. I envied Seungmin, I envied all the men he slept with when he thought I couldn't notice, I envied whatever woman he must have gotten so close with the day before he broke up with me. I envy him for being able to get anyone he wants at his beckoned call. I envy him for being able to move on. 

I feel fat tears make their way down my face once more, wetting the dried tears from the previous time I had cried. I don't know what time it is, hell I don't even know if it's day or night. I just know that I love Hyunjin and I am nothing without him. And though that's the only thing I can ever be certain of anymore, Hyunjin doesn't want me. He probably never did. He probably just wanted me to fuck him and be done with it. I wish I could apologize to him, for being so clingy. But, why not make it up to him instead. 

I tipped my head pack and shoved the dozen pills into my mouth and swallowed hard. I plopped back down of the messy floor and laced my fingers together. Now, I've never been religious. But, just this once, I'm praying. I lean my head up against my interlocked hands and beg whatever divine being that ever has or ever with exist to just let this one thing go right. 

And as I felt my tummy start to hurt, and the room start to spin as my airways closed up on themselves, I smiled. I smiled and chocked out laughs through the foam that had begun to form in my mouth and drip down the side of my face until I could no longer register the noise I was making. Even as my nose ceased to pick up the scent of bloody mint shampoo, even as the room began to go dark and I no longer could hold my limbs up and my body went limp, there was only one thought going through my mind. 

"I hope I can finally make you happy now."


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This story done did flopped on wattpad compared to my other stories so I'm uploading it here ;-;

-Hyunjin POV-

It's been three whole days since I've seen him. Since I've left him. I hate to admit it, and I know my filthy mind will loathe me for saying this, but I'm a wreck without him. God, I have no right to feel that way. Ever since I slammed that damned door in his face and listened to his heartbroken sobs through the thick synthetic wood, the loneliness and regret had latched on and chipped away at me, devouring everything I thought I've known. Ever since I checked into this cheap motel and collapsed onto the rough material of the comforter, it's eaten away at my very being and eroded everything I had left into nothing.

Every day is getting dimmer, fading away along with everything else. Thinking back now, I want him back. I miss him so much that it hurts. I miss his happy giggles from when we were still a 'we'. I miss his voice when we'd sit and talk for hours. I miss the warmth of his body when he'd wrap his arms around me. I miss everything about him. His not being by my side is driving me up the walls. Waking up to dull beige ceilings instead of his angelic face makes me wonder if it's even worth waking up at all.

At this point, I'll be dead by the time Y/N's up and gone from my life. I can't even bring myself to leave this horribly put together motel room, much less fall back into my hook-up habits. It used to feel like I was on cloud nine, like I'd never come down, like I'd never be found out. Almost as if I was unstoppable, and I prided myself on that. However, now, it feels repulsive to have anybody else's bare flesh up against mine, anybody's except Y/N's. And that's why I had to let him go, cause so long as anybody was around, I'd fall back. I'd end up in the same fucked up cycle no matter what I tried, and that's why I did what I did. It'd only hurt both of us more if I hadn't, right?

It wouldn't be smart to go back now, would it? No, definitely not. Worst case scenario, he's not there. But the best-case scenario of him being there doesn't seem so appealing either. It'd be wonderful if I could just forget about him and move on, and never be in another relationship ever again. But, I can't do that. I know that I've hurt him, and hurt him badly. I can't help but feel the need to fix it, but I can't, right? Every attempt I've made to better myself has backfired or reversed itself within days, and I'm petrified at the thought of that happening again. Gosh, Y/N will never trust me ever again, and he shouldn't. Who the hell did I think I was? I love him, and I want him to be happy, but I can't make him happy without making him ten times as sad.

You know what? I can't keep myself waiting like this. I can't. It's unhealthy at best. I'm keeping myself waiting and worrying for nothing. If he's not there, then I'm a step closer to moving on, and so is he, right? If he is, then it's a chance to have a civil conversation about how I've treated him and I can help him leave, right? Yeah, this is a good thing. I didn't do anything wrong for once. I push myself up and off of the firm memory foam mattress below me, and I manage to get myself to the door of the motel room. I rested my hand against the doorknob, flinching at the piercing cold of the rusted metal. I took a few deep breaths before turning the knob and opening the door, being hit by the overwhelming scent of the outside world. The process of checking out and paying went by so quickly I don't even remember when I got into my car. I start the engine up and pull out of the parking lot, and I can't seem to shake the horrible feeling growing inside my chest, like something is wrong.

The drive back to the apartment was torturous, I felt like I was suffocating. A sickening feeling of something not feeling right was pulsating throughout every part of my body, and I was about to puke. Never in my life have I felt such an intense feeling of disarray, and It's off putting, to say the least. I push through it, and make my way into the building, up the stair, and to the door of the apartment I once called home. Memories flashed through my mind. Y/N's happy smile when we first moved in, the way his hair bounced when he jumped up and down in happiness. I miss it, I miss him, and that's why I know what I did was the right thing to do. We needed to end at some point of another. I fumble around in my pockets and grabbing my keys, fumbling back and forth until my fingers rested on the brass key to our apartment door. I slid it into the lock and turned, hearing a metallic click when the door was unlocked. I held my breath and pushed open the door.

I was immediately hit by the scent of filth. A mixture of body odor, rotting food, and another metallic scent I couldn't put a name to quite yet. I laid my eyes upon the chaos that the apartment had turned into. The contents of every table and counter in my direct line of sight were swept off onto the floor, which was sticky with unfinished drinks and old food. I walked further into the room, kneeling down and picking up a picture frame that was face down on the soiled carpet. I was met with the smiling faces of Y/N and I. The glass of the frame was cracked across Y/N's center, and I couldn't help but tear up as my mind traveled to the memories the picture took me to. It had been our third or fourth date, and I had taken him to see some generic-looking horror movie. He had gotten too scared halfway through and we ended up leaving the theater and spending our downtime in the arcade by the snack counters. It was a picture of us smiling on a racing game together. His hands were snug around the faux leather of the fake steering wheel, and he was nuzzling his face into the side of my neck. He's always had the cutest smile, so pretty, so contagious. 

I was brought back into reality by a muffled gargling sound coming from down the hallway. It sounded barely human, and I just about shit myself. I rushed down the hall, half expecting some stereotypical monster to eat me, however I was met by something much different. The horrible metallic scent was nearly overpowering, and it had a hint of my shampoo in it. The sickening combination cause me to physically take a step back as I dry heaved and tears filled my eyes. I blinked hard multiple times to clear my eyes of the tears, holding my breath and taking a peak into the bathroom the twisted scent was coming from. The very eyes I had just cleared the tears of shot open at the sight before me. Y/N was leaning against the wall beside the counter to my right, his arms and legs almost covered in dry blood, blocking out what I would've seen of his milky skin. Foam dripped from the corner of his mouth, drying fast to his already vomit-covered chin. His clothes were disgusting, his pants were wet with I don't want to know what, and there was vomit all over his sweater. 

I hurriedly dropped to my knees beside him, bringing his head into my lap and fumbling for my phone in my pocket. I tried my best to type through the tears that were quickly forming, suppressing the urge to dry heave again. As soon as my shaky fingers managed to type in 112, I clicked the speaker button and dropped my phone, cradling Y/N in my arms. 

"112, what is your emergency?" The woman on the other end used a near robotic tone of voice, contrasting against the sobs of mine.

"M-My boyfriend! I don't know what's going on! I came home and I found him like this, please just send someone! Please, an ambulance, police, fuck! Just anyone!" My sentences became less and less like sentences and more and more like gibberish, until I gave up and just resorted to sobbing into the limp body of the boy I held in his arms. 

"We'll send an ambulance over right away sir, is he breathing?" I heard the distracting clicks of a keyboard from the speaker of my phone and I nearly broke down worse than he already was. 

"Fuckin- I don't know! I don't think he is, I can't feel him moving at all!" I was nearly hysterical. 

"We'll send one out now, what's the address?" I felt a sense of near relief wash over me and I stuttered out the address of the apartment. As soon as I heard her say that they were on their way I became a mess of 'thank you's to the operator. Before she could respond, I hung up, my logic being completely clouded by the horrific situation I found myself in. I pulled Y/N further into my chest and whispered apologies into his stringy, dirty hair. I found that I couldn't care less how disgusting it was as I pressed kisses into the crusted locks of hair, stroking his dirty face with my hands. 

And we stayed like that. I stayed, embracing the boy I love so much in my arms as I took his limp hand in my own, cradling the hopefully only unconscious boy with all the love in the world. I cringed at the feeling of something wet soaking through my shirt as the body in my arms lurched and a wave of foam came from the mouth of Y/N's angelic face. But I almost cried in happiness at the sign of life. Soon enough, sirens could be heard outside of the building and the sound of footsteps quickly approaching reassured me that we would be okay. 

It went by all to slowly, watching Y/N get placed onto a gurney, and be carried out into an ambulance. I was given permission to ride in the back with him, and I held onto the limp sweaty hand of Y/N for the majority of the ride. 

I was brought out of my state of panic when a man with a mask on who had been pushing on various places of Y/N's body tapped his shoulder. "Sir?" The man spoke. 

I hesitantly looked up. "Yes?" My voice was shaky and breathless, and I had just now realized what a mess I was. 

"There's a pulse."


End file.
